October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I wanted to share our journey in hopes that it either could help you in some way, or that you would share it with someone who you think it may help.
I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Women with PCOS find it harder to conceive, so I was very surprised when we got pregnant so soon! Everything was going great in our pregnancy till week 22. I went in for a routine ultrasound and found out that our little girl did not have a heartbeat anymore. My husband was working out of town at the time and I refused to start the process of delivering until he could make it in town. 36 hours after he made it in town to be with me, our sweet Pacey Florence Walker was born sleeping. That was the absolute hardest thing I will ever have to go through.
I was completely crushed. I didn’t know how to go on after losing a child. I couldn’t look at a mom with a young baby without losing it. Every time I went to church, I would cry so hard that I had to walk out. I would spend the entire service trying to regain my composure. The only thing we had to hold on to was hope. Hope that the Lord would make the pain not so bad.
One evening I was driving home and I was praying for the Lord to help me because I didn’t know what to do anymore. The Lord made a promise to me that night that I was able to hold on to! He promised me that he would restore what we lost and that I just needed to trust him. On Pacey’s due date, we found out that we were expecting her little brother, and he was born four days before her first birthday. Both of which would have been AWFUL days if it weren’t for the joy of finding out about a new pregnancy, or bringing our sweet boy home from the hospital.
Along the way, we found out some pretty amazing things that gave us peace about Pacey being gone. (You can read more about that here.) I also learned a few things about grief and depression that I wanted to share with you.
1) Lean on the Lord
I found peace in worshipping. I thanked the Lord for Pacey even though I didn’t understand. By doing so, I feel that the Lord gave me peace and strength in a time where I should have had none.
2) You have to put yourself first sometimes
You have to put yourself first in order to heal. Simple as that. You have to decide what is best for you and your family along the way.
3) You cannot let it completely consume you.
You have to take time to heal, but you also have to remember that you have people who love and care about you. You have relationships that you don’t need to forget. Take time to focus on your marriage/ relationship. You cannot leave your spouse behind. Remember, they are grieving too.
4) It is okay to not be okay.
It is totally okay to not be okay. There were times where I could not go places because I knew I would not be okay. Certain things were triggers for me. When I found out what those triggers were going to be, I either mentally prepared myself for it or would avoid the situation. You can’t avoid the situation forever, but for a little while, it is okay.
5) Nobody knows the pain like you do
A lot of people (in my situation) either had miscarriages earlier in pregnancy, had a stillborn, or knew someone who had. It helped to know that people had gone through similar situations. But nobody knew the exact pain that I was experiencing, even my husband. He was grieving too, but he did not know Pacey like I did. He did not get to feel her little kicks and hiccups like me.
6) It is okay to tell people that you “just can’t”
It is okay to tell people that you cannot handle certain situations. Do not let yourself get in situations where it will make it harder on you mentally. Remember, grief is a weird thing and it can rare up at weird times. Don’t push yourself (until after your grace period – read next point) if you don’t think you can handle a certain situation.
7) At some point you have to decide that it is time to MAKE yourself be happy again.
You are allowed a “Grace Period” to grieve, but at some point you have to decide to not let grief or depression consume you anymore. You have too many things to live for. You don’t want to look up down the road and realize that you missed out on something important.
8) Be thankful for what you have and what you don't have.
Always be thankful for what you have. Even after losing Pacey, I had so much to live for. I have a loving husband. The best fur child, and now, the most handsome little boy in the whole wide world. I am so thankful for Pacey. We lost her, but if we would not have lost her, I would never have had Gentry and I cannot imagine life without her.
Now I am not saying that I have this grief thing down. Because, I sure don't. The past couple of weeks have been very hard on me emotionally. Certain things still trigger me, and it was very hard for me to write this blog post. I will forever look at little girls who are the same age as Pacey should have been and hurt deep down. I just have to remind myself to take a step back and think about everything that I have. It doesn't make me miss Pacey any less, but it reminds me what I have to live for. And for that, I am thankful.